To My Precious Henry on Your First Birthday

To My Precious Henry on Your First Birthday,

My sweet boy I just adore you. You are truly a precious gift to me and to the rest of our family. While I cannot believe a year has passed by I also feel like you have been in our lives forever. It is so hard to picture our world without the little guy who has completed our family.

Henry, you came into our world at a most needed time and helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life. You have kept me busy when that's exactly what I needed but mostly you have kept me smiling. I smile because you are so sweet and you seem to just adore your mommy. I smile because you are so darn cute and I can't believe you are mine. I smile because you are silly and fun loving and learning more every single day. You, my sweet, Henry, have brought so many smiles to my face during a time I needed it most. I will be forever grateful.

Sometimes I feel a little guilty for how crazy your first year of life has been. I feel like you were cheated of a simple first year where we could just stare at you and watch your growth and progress. I must remind myself that you don't know all the crazy that was going on in our lives as you were simply busy growing and learning. You were busy watching your brother and trying to learn all he could do. You were busy taking in the world around you and simply enjoying the ride. Thank you, Henry, for being such an easy going guy who could take this crazy year in stride.

Henry, you are smart, fun-loving, adorable, affectionate and brave. You may just be one year old but I know you are going to do big things. I know you are watching your big brother but I can tell you are going to be your own person and for that I am thankful. I can't wait to see all you will become sweet Henderson Reid and I hope I can be your biggest cheerleader through it all!

I love you,
Your Mommy

Henry's Barnyard Bash

It is so hard to believe Henry has already been in our lives for over a year. He's been a true light to our family during a most difficult time. He is different from his brother in many ways but looks up to him like crazy. He laughs at him all the time and is so excited that Trace is eager to play with him too. These two will definitely be the best of buddies in the years ahead. 

A few things about Henry as he turns one: 

*He loves to play outside and is adventurous. 

*He enjoys stroller rides and hikes in his backpack carrier. 

*He goes with the flow but is also quite opinionated. 

*He eats many foods but his favorites are meats, cheeses, watermelon and crackers. 

*He has 7 teeth and many people comment on them. 

*He loves to swim and is fearless in the water. 

*He loves dogs and can hear and spot them from a mile away. 

*He can say a lot of words for a one year old. Some of his most common words are mommy, please (me), snack, TT, dada, dog (da), bye bye, night night, baby, grammy and truck. 

*He isn't into reading or tv yet because he loves to be on the move. 

*He has gone through a stair climbing and biting stage already but grew out of both quickly!

*He loves to blow kisses, clap, wave and laugh. 

*He is friendly and lovable. 

We are so lucky we were blessed with Henry. He is simply a joy. We loved celebrated him at his first birthday barnyard bash and we think he had a blast too!

Grief and Life after a Loved Ones Death

On September 30, 2016 I started a blog post with the title "When It's Cancer Again". I began attempting to put into words what it is like to have three cancer diagnosis in your immediate family in three years. I tried to make sense of the harsh reality I was facing. I wrote a few paragraphs in that post and never finished. I don't know if I wasn't ready for my thoughts and feelings to be "out in the world" or if I just got busy. Either way that post remains with the words "draft" next to it in red.

Now, six months later I feel compelled to write again, except this time it is about the overwhelming grief that has come with losing both parents to the same cancer in just 3.5 years.

My husband and I bought our house five years ago this month. At the time we were engaged and finalizing our wedding details. That was the only big, life changing event we knew would take place as home owners on Nana Lane. When my reminder of five years of ownership popped up I was struck by the fact that we have gotten married, had two children, taken some unbelievable bucket list trips, had three family cancer diagnosis and lost both of my parents. The last one is the most surprising. The last one is the one that brings a lump in my throat. You see, when we bought our house both my parents were seemingly healthy. They were going to help fix and decorate our house. They were going to rock babies in our house. They were going to celebrate countless birthdays in our house. They weren't going to visit our house casually and then pass away just days later. That wasn't part of the plan.

I simply cannot wrap my mind around the fact that both of my parents are gone. Pancreatic cancer took my dad in just 24 days and my mom in just under a year. Pancreatic cancer changed my life forever when the only time I had uttered the word pancreas before was likely in biology class. If you don't know much about Pancreatic Cancer it can be a silent killer like in my dad's situation. Many people diagnosed with pancreatic cancer are diagnosed at a very late stage because this cancer typically doesn't show symptoms until the tumor has grown and spread. But there are those like my mom, who have the tumor in the perfect spot to show symptoms early. She was the lucky one. She was able to have surgery and have all the cancer removed.  Or so we thought. But pancreatic cancer also likes to spread quickly. She was cancer free for a very short time before it spread to her liver. Pancreatic cancer has a five year survival rate of just 9 percent. We thought mom was going to be a different story, but Pancreatic Cancer is ruthless and she was not one of the lucky 9 percent.

So here I am having survived two months without either of my parents. What a totally strange and surreal feeling. Some days I think I am doing okay. I laugh a lot. I exercise. I play with my boys. I date my husband. I have coffee with friends. Then it hits me. And boy does it hit hard. Truth be told it takes my breath away. It gives me the sudden sensation that I may actually be sick. It freezes me in the moment and reminds me that although I can enjoy all those "normal" things nothing will ever be exactly the same. Other days it seems the focus of my whole day, of my whole existence. I feel like "Katie Mueth, the girl without parents". I feel like the girl who lost both parents to the same cancer who may certainly be doomed herself. Some days I feel like losing both of my parents completely and totally defines who I am.

Both of those days are just fine. I have had to come to terms with this. It is totally okay (and probably applauded and appreciated by my parents) for me to have days when it is not the forefront of my mind. It is okay and good to move through life and be and do and ENJOY. It is also okay to feel so overwhelming crushed and defined by my reality. It is okay to feel like I can't take another step and do another thing without getting help from those around me. Both of those authentic feelings are absolutely okay even though I have to remind myself of that.

As a family we have had so many people reach out. Some people just say sorry. Some people send food and flowers. Some people write letters. Some people share stories. Every single response is appreciated. Here's what I would say to do when you know someone who is grieving the greatest hardships. Be present. Be present by sending kind words. Be present by making a phone call or sending a text. Be present by sharing memories. Be present by leaving a meal or sending a gift card. BE PRESENT. To be present does not mean to be there all the time but it does mean to be there a month later and three months later and a year later. Because when the last hymn is sung and the gravestone is engraved and the grass has grown over life is still very, very hard and while everyone else has moved on with life the death and absence is still so real and so harsh. So, my dear friends, if you feel like you don't have the words to say to a friend or love one who is grieving  I would suggest you probably don't. No words can possibly bring my mom or dad back. Truthfully no words make it easier but your presence makes their absence just a tiny bit less painful. Presence, whether physical or through card, email, text or call is a small reminder that although my parents may be gone there are still a lot of people in this world for whom I am thankful to know. There is still a lot of life to live and a lot of love to give.

My Sweet, Sweet Mom

"Strong woman" was not the first thing that would come to mind when thinking of my mom. She was a soft spoken, people pleasing, positive minded woman, but was she strong? I mean I knew she had to be sort of strong to raise six kids without losing her mind, but I never knew she was the kind of strong she has proven to be in the past three and half years. 

When we found out dad was sick on August 22, 2013 I was very scared for mom. I did not know how she would handle him being sick. When dad passed away on September 15, 2013 I was petrified. How could mom possibly do life without him? He was truly her other half. He would fill her car with gas, drive her to work, type her emails and make her dinner. I did not know how mom would function. Despite her total heartbreak she took care of herself and more. She proved that she could be a strong woman when the need arose. We tried to rally around as mom's cheerleader but she proved to need very little cheerleading in most situations. She carried on with life as best she could and led our family so well. 

On January 23, 2016 mom went to the hospital with abdominal discomfort. She had been having some unusual indigestion and was finally uncomfortable enough to seek help. After a couple days in the hospital and an initial diagnosis of gallbladder stones we found out mom had Pancreatic Cancer. We were shocked that mom was facing the same disease that had taken dad in just 24 days. We were hopeful when the doctors said she was eligible for whipple surgery which only 15-20 % of those with pancreatic cancer are eligible to receive. She received the surgery and bounced back amazingly well. The picture below is me and mom at my cousin's wedding just a day after discharge from the hospital from surgery. 

After surgery the doctors recommended chemotherapy to continue to address the cancer. They explained that she was cancer free but that pancreatic cancer is extremely aggressive and was probably already looking for another place in her body to reside. Mom went through 6 months of chemotherapy and did remarkably well with it. On August 23rd she rang the bell and we celebrated the completion of her chemo. 

Right after Labor Day she had a scan and we found out that her cancer had spread. The chemo did not work. She was so positive and that darn cancer had spread to her liver. Mom started another round of chemotherapy. This time she was most self conscious about the bag she had to wear for a couple days after each round. She still did amazingly well. She still was incredibly positive. During this round of chemo my brother planned a family retreat. We all went to Steelville, MO for the weekend and stayed in a large cabin. Mom had the time of her life with all of her kids and grandkids. We took family pictures and truly celebrated just being together. 

Our trip was in early November. On November 28 mom had another scan. When she went in for her chemo treatment on the 29th she met with the doctor and the treatment was canceled. The cancer had grown again. She was devastated. The doctor told her she could completely stop treatment or get into a trial at Siteman. In her words, "I can't not do anything".  Mom met with the doctor at Siteman and decided to begin an aggressive trial treatment. She had a rough month of December. She had several blood transfusions due to low hemoglobin. She was low energy during a time she was trying to continue to do it all. Mom began treatment at Siteman on December 20th. She had three weeks of treatment then a week without treatment. She began to have all of the side effects of the medicine. Although she was discouraged by that she tried to keep her spirits up. We mainly just saw her become to herself as she slept often and was sick frequently. 

On January 12, my sister and I spent the day with mom. We had a great lunch, went grocery shopping, picked out a new wig and met with a lawyer. Mom was full of energy and eating well. She seemed to be on the upswing during this week of rest from chemotherapy. The next day an ice storm was coming so my brother stopped by to give her some soup and salt her walk. When he got there he found her very sick. He called my sister and when she arrived to help mom passed out in her arms. 911 was called and mom was rushed to the hospital. 

After an overnight on the cardiac floor for a heart strain an echocardiogram discovered that mom had a heart attack. We were shocked. Mom would have a stent put in on Monday. I went home to put my babies to bed and came back to the hospital at 7:30 pm. When I arrived mom was acting very weird. After further discussion with my sister, Amy, we decided to have the doctors take a closer look. Blood cultures showed an infection and DIC and next thing we knew we were heading up to the ICU. Mom was scared. We were scared but we were led to believe some antibiotics would fix the infection. 

I fell asleep in the ICU waiting room and woke up to a nurse just 45 minutes later. She said the doctor would like to speak with me. When I came back the doctor talked for several minutes about mom's condition. He finished by saying, "Your mom has DIC causing her blood to clot and bleed at the same time. She also has a blood infection. It's very unlikely she will make it through the day". 

I had to stop and catch my breath but then I looked at mom. She simply said "OH NO!" How absolutely gut wrenching to hear you will die that day. I asked her if she was scared and she said, "No, I'm not scared. I am going to be with dad". Tears. I called all my siblings to come up to the hospital and to try to make it quickly as the doctors thought they may need to ventilate her. Everyone made it within a few hours and we were by mom's side. My 91 year old grandmother was able to come too. 

We spent the day talking and laughing with mom. We held her hands. We told her stories. She made us laugh and scared us too. She came in and out of states of consciousness. About 3:00 in the afternoon the doctor told us it would be a few hours before we saw her "go to sleep". Several times during the day mom asked us to turn off the light in the already dark room. She would also say randomly, "I'm going. I'm going". Between her comfort and her comments I found myself at peace when mom slipped away from us at 7:38 pm on January 15, 2017. We lost mom on the same day (Sunday) and date (15) as my dad. She told me she wanted to be with dad and I believe wholeheartedly that that is exactly where she is. My beautiful strong mother does not have to be strong any longer. 

 Below are a couple pictures of her with my babies because, oh the babies just break my heart.

As I held mom's hand all day Sunday I prepared for our goodbye. A second goodbye to a parent in just 3.5 years. It was heart wrenching. It still is so confusing and so so painful. This time I do feel a little peace in knowing that she is with dad and that she wasn't scared but what I would give to hold her hand again. 

All the days since Sunday have been a blur. It has been just 7 days since I lost my mom. This week I have learned the value in sisterhood and brotherhood. Those are my people now. We have to stick together. I thank mom and dad for having six kids because I don't know how I would carry on without them. We have laughed and cried and looked for all of the signs. This beautiful sunset stretched the sky on Wednesday night and as I went to look at it a male and female cardinal flew by. Cardinal birds always serve as a reminder that mom and dad are near. 

I'll keep looking for the signs and keep visiting this special place where now my sweet mom and dad are laid to rest as they spend eternity together at last.

Below is my eulogy read at the funeral:

If ever there was an angel this side of Heaven my mom was one. She was kind, gentle, humble, patient, selfless and loving to not just her husband, children and grandchildren, but to every single person she encountered. She led our crazy family with a grace and eloquence that only she could. She never spoke ill of anyone and could find the positive in all. She gave us the best possible example of how to love people unconditionally.

When we lost our dad three years ago we wondered how mom would go on. He was her other half and her everything. We know her pain was unbearable but those from the outside would have never known because she never seemed to miss a beat. She made sure that everything went on as usual for her family. It was important to her that we celebrate together and continue to make memories. In the quiet moments she would simply say, “I miss your dad so much”. We watched in shock as mom proved just how strong she was and just how important our happiness was to her.

The happiness of others was the most important thing to mom. She never ever put herself before anyone else. You would not believe all of the people who have told us mom was their dearest and best friend. She made everyone around her feel so special. Sometimes it was hard to go places with mom because as I was dodging people and trying to make efficient time she was chumming it up with the cashier and having lengthy conversations with the various friends she just happened to run into. She was never too hurried to make a new friend or catch up with an old one.

In fact, keeping up with friends was like a part time job to our mom. She loved to meet friends for meals, have friends to her home, send cards, buy gifts and chat on the phone. I get exhausted just thinking about all of her relationships and yet she kept up with them with such grace. Just two and a half weeks ago she had a group of friends for a luncheon at her house. Stories from her colleagues also spoke volumes about the woman she was. Everyone talked about her positive aire and willingness to help in any way she could. She was often the butt of jokes as her evaluations about programs were always skewed because she simply could not find the flaws in anything. Several coworkers mentioned that she was banned from using the word “wonderful” so instead she found many synonyms to describe just how wonderful, fantastic, excellent and great everything was that she was able to be a part of.

Mom’s positivity in life was unriveled. When we took our girls trip to New York City she walked around snapping pictures like a kid in a candy shop. After a walk across Brooklyn Bridge that finished with us drenched and frozen to the bone mom said with excitement, “ How many people can say they walked the Brooklyn Bridge in rain, sleet and snow!?”

Mom truly created the best childhood for her six children and twelve grandchildren. She loved to celebrate holidays and did so with a passion without compare. Every holiday was a big deal including Valentine’s Day and St. Patricks Day. I remember going to school to tell my friends that the leprechaun took a bath at my house and turned the water green. Oh the shock when I discovered that the leprechaun did not take a bath at everyone’s house on St. Patricks Day eve.

As a mother myself there is nothing I want more than for my boys to know they are each special and loved individually by me. Even as a mother of six my mom did this effortlessly. Each of us has special memories with our mom. Tammy and John will always be grateful for celebrating this New Year’s Eve with mom and Tammy will forever cherish the day she spent with mom this last Thursday where mom seemed so happy and full of life. Stephanie will always remember shopping with mom in Ste Genevieve and working together to plan her neighborhood holiday parties. Amy always loved dinner and the muny with mom and the Frosts especially enjoyed taking mom to South Haven Michigan this summer where mom was able to enjoy the cute shops and relax on the beach. Kara and Steve loved to host mom for New Years Eve and Steve always enjoyed working with mom to brine the Thanksgiving turkey. Tj and Ashley loved to have mom over for dinner and Ashley has always appreciated how welcoming and loving mom was to her from day one. I will always cherish the time I spent with my boys and mom during the days and our trip to New York City in high school. Tom will forever cherish mom’s genuine reaction of excitement when he asked if he could marry me.  

We were and are incredibly lucky kids. There are very few people in this world that receive the kind of unconditional love we did growing up. Forever and always we will be grateful to have had a mom that in her words “Loved us to the moon and back a million zillion times”.

To My Precious Trace

To My Most Precious Trace on your second birthday,

I can't believe you are two! I know every mom says the time goes fast, but it is truly unbelievable. I think back on the early days of your life and am blown away that that sleep fighting, strong, full of life, excema covered, sweet baby boy is already two years old.  You have taught me so much in your short life. You have changed my perspective in so many ways and have brought an unbelievable joy to each and every day.

One amazing thing about you since day 1 has been your strength. You were an early roller, sitter, crawler, walker and soccer player. You are still amaze us with your mobility, coordination and speed. You love to climb and run and play and look so coordinated doing all of them. I cannot wait to see what sport you choose to fall in love with as I know you will excel.

I am also constantly amazed by your sense of humor and bubbly personality. Seriously, who knew such a small guy could have so much life in him? You make me laugh every single day. You have said the most hilarious things since you were just a tiny little guy. You have the best facial expressions, laugh, and sayings. You love to do funny things like ride the escalator (lefadado) at Dierbergs, say made up words (a boza boza boza), race, tell us what you want then say "Sounds good, like idea" and make spontaneous animal sounds. I could go on and on with all the hilarious and fun things you do. You are an absolute joy to be around.

Trace, THANK YOU, for coming into our lives two years ago and making it brighter every day since then. I love you to the moon and all the way back! Keep shining that big personality. You are going to do huge things my sweet baby boy!

Love you,

Mom

Trace's Second Birthday

We had so much fun celebrating Trace's second birthday. The boy absolutely loves all things construction as well as the night sky. As a result one of his favorite books is "Goodnight, Goodnight Construction Site" so we made that the theme of his party. We kept it simple with sandwiches and soups and just immediate family. Somehow he immediately understood he was the guest of honor! He had the greatest time welcoming everyone in and playing with all of his favorite people. We couldn't have had more fun either! 

During the party he got a bit overwhelmed by all of the action and I found him reading alone in his room

He didn't stop talking about this piñata for weeks

He had a lot of help opening presents 

He loves his rocking chair from his mama

We spent his actual birthday at Five Star Burgers for dinner. One of his favorite places!