Over the past five months I have so often thought about motherhood and the feelings I have as a mother. I have tried to put those feelings into words and I have tried to articulate the joy I have in getting to be Trace's mom. I have always loved babies and children and knew that I wanted kids of my own. However, loving babies and loving MY baby don't even compare. I remember the first moments of Trace's life like they were just minutes ago. I just stared at him and Tom in disbelief. I was in awe that this was our new life; the two of us and this precious little blessing. I was overwhelmed with the fact that things would never ever be the same. What I didn't know at the time was that things would never be the same in the most wonderful way possible.
Tom took this picture the first morning we were home with Trace.
I was sleep deprived from a tiny little guy who was very confused by his days and nights. I had no idea what was about to take place. The next two months continued in much the same way. He had a hard time figuring out how to settle down at night. I would hold him and snuggle him and upon setting him down he would cry. I can honestly say that all the while I kept telling myself, "This is a phase and you will miss these snuggles". I can still say that is so true. Trace sleeps better now and the night time snuggles are rare. I look at that picture and it already seems like a decade ago.
As my very first Mother's Day approaches I have a strange feeling about being celebrated or wanting a gift. I know it's only my first and these feelings may totally change over the years but this is how I feel with my five month old. I don't feel like I need to be celebrated as a mother because he's the most wonderful, exciting, overwhelming and indescribable blessing that has ever happened in my life. He makes me smile each day and often brings me to tears. The pride I feel in him is overwhelming. I never knew I could be so proud of someone for simply sleeping. I love to walk into his room after a long stretch of sleep and greet him with a smile and tell him how proud I am of him. And I truly mean it. It's a scary thing. I often wonder how I will feel at his first beautiful piece of art, A in school or goal in a game.
I truly and deeply love everything about being this boy's mama. I feel so blessed to get to spend my days with him and simply waste time laying on his floor playing and taking walks around our neighborhood. I love to watch him learn new things each day. His smile and laugh brightens my mood in seconds and erases any tears and troubles. I felt compelled to write this so I would never forget my thoughts on my first Mother's Day. I love nothing more than being the mother to my sweet baby boy and watching him grow and develop each day. He truly is my pride and joy.